a case of mistaken identitiy

Thursday, April 2, 2009 at 11:35am.

so, i almost picked up a hooker over the weekend. not funny.


i was driving home from work on saturday night at around midnight, and i'm stopped at the light by broadway and belmont and i notice there's this girl who looks strikingly like my 13 year old sister. first i think "what is that 13 year old doing at broadway and belmont at midnight?" then i think "she is atrociously underdressed for this weather!" then i think "man, what a miserable night to be waiting for the bus." so the light turns green and i keep driving and it's just nagging me because she really did look amazingly like my little sister, same build, same hair, same attitude.

so in disgrace land, where no one ever dies, i decide that i'm going to be a good "christian" and offer her a ride since i am taking belmont a considerable way west. so i go around the block and i pull over on the corner, and she gives me this look like, "riiiiiiiiight....ummmm" and of course i look like a total asshole because my stupid energy efficient car doesn't have power windows, so i have to throw myself over the passenger seat and start turning the window crank which takes about a million years to go down four inches. so then i'm like, wow, i feel like an asshole because closeup shes looks more 45 than 13. so, to redeem myself i say, "i'm going to kimball... want a ride?" and she looks at me like, "are you serious" and says, "i'm good."

so i, of course, start blushing furiously and take my foot off the brake and the car starts inching into the intersection. so i slam my foot back on the brake and feel the need to explain myself to her, which makes me look like more of an asshole because now i'm basically hollering out my car window in a sleet storm, "you just looked like someone i know... seriously, you don't even have a coat on..." she doesn't even acknowledge that i'm screaming at her, so of course i MUST press the issue and force myself on her to prove how kind and generous *I* am and how ungrateful and rude *SHE* is... and because for some idiotic reason i think it would be less embarassing to SCREAM at her (standing on the corner in a sleet storm) than to just shrug and drive away. "really, it's no biggie if you want a ride, i'm going that way. c'mon!"

so now, after attracting serious attention in the middle of a crowded intersection at midnight, she looks pissed and starts walking towards my car, and i have this moment where i'm totally like, "oh shit" but to my surprise she starts pulling on the door handle to get in. "oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" so i lean over and unlock it and she gets in. soaking wet. and obviously a hooker. oh shit indeed.

she doesn't even look at me, not even in my direction, and says "drop me at the redline." and then "you're fucked up"

so i drive literally 3 blocks, the whole time FREAKING OUT that she's going to demand eighty dollars or have her pimp beat me up. and then, quite suddenly she opens the door of my MOVING car and she hops out at the redline on belmont. and slams the door. so in my fluster i forget that the window is still open and in an effort to feel less like an asshole i say, "geez. you're welcome." to myself, and of course she hears it and turns around to look at me.

so i speed out of there. fast.

geez. i am SUCH an asshole.