Thursday, May 28, 2009 at 12:25pm
Okay, so you’ll be happy to know I have a few more career options that are, I believe, a bit more stable.
1: advice columnist. Preferably in the vein of Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” column. I think I’d be really good at that. I know I was complaining in my last note that I was tired of being asked for advice, but the past few weeks have really changed my mind. I now believe that I not only give great advice, but that the world will potentially collapse if I don’t “tell it like it is” at any given moment. (I guess this could also make me a great audience member at the Maury show, but I doubt they get paid, and even if they do, I’m sure I’d get sick of hearing who the REAL father is and repeating “ya’ll need to step up! Be a man!” so advice columnist it is). Anyway, if you have any burning questions feel free to message me and I’ll answer them here, anonymously of course. The dirtier the better, really, and feel free to make something up. Want to know what to do about your lust for your girlfriend’s paraplegic sister? Write me. I don’t have a lot of real credentials, but I can list my mom as a reference, she’ll be more than happy to assure you, ad naseum, just how much of a nosey know it all I am. And I’m smart. I mean, I guess you’ll have to take my word for it, but I really have that sarcastic smart thing going on. And I don’t judge. Unless I’m related to you…
2: I think I would make a great madam or proprietress at The Bunny Ranch. No, seriously. You might think that I’ve been watching too much Bad Girls Club but…
Wait, actually, speaking of Bad Girls Club, I think it’s seriously damaged me in an irreparable way. Well, I don’t know if “damaged” is the word I’m looking for… made me more of a badass? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m suddenly threatening to fight bitches all the time. For instance, this horrible rude woman at the laundromat stole my dryer and then proceeded to repeatedly bump me and not even say “excuse me” and I looked up and said to orion, “if this bitch knocks into me one more time you WILL see some hair pulling.” She took her things and left. Then, later in the week at trivia night the caller kept leaving out categories and mispronouncing things and finally just dropped an entire category and skipped right to the finals… I may be drunk, but I still play to win, so I walk up there and say “what happened to the third round?” and he says, “ohhh, uh, I cut it? We’re running over.” And I said “you can’t just ‘cut’a category and not tell anyone” and he just shrugs. So I take our scorecard and walk back to the table and tear it in half all dramatically. What I didn’t know is that he was following right behind me apologizing. And when he says “yo, I’m sorry about that whole thing” I smiled and say “next time you will do this right, or I will choke you.” And he started laughing. The funny thing is, I’m probably the least threatening person you know. In fact, as I was threatening to choke a bitch, I was wearing pigtails and a dress with ruffles. So yeah. I think in my head I’m funny, like Will Ferrell in Anchorman. Don’t even ask about the time I told some girl at spynners to “shut her whore mouth.” Yikes. On paper this looks a lot worse.
I’m going to start the arduous process of applying to jobs again. Not fun especially in summer, and now that the twins are two and can actually do stuff. I’ve never worked for anyone this long. It’s been almost two years. I’ve been with them since they were ten weeks old. It’s gonna be tough. Especially since one of the first sentences kate learned was “love you grace.” But they’ll be going to preschool soon and I’ll be either unemployed or starting over. One of my good friends recently told me that a recession is only good for one thing, more school. Rack up more debt while you can’t get a job so that when it starts booming again you’ll be able to pay it off. All joking aside I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do. I’ve been working on a series of stories about the first year of marriage. Disagreements we’ve had, things that change, decisions we’ve made. There are a lot of things that people just don’t talk about, really. And they should. It would probably mortify my parents if it ever got published, I’d have to use a pseudonym. Not to mention my flair for embellishment, I’m positive everyone would cry “James Frey” on me. I guess the helper in me just wants to share. And the narcissist in me wants to share too. I haven’t totally given up on the idea of more school, but I need to find a job that has me working with, surrounded by really, people. I want to do a lot of talking and listening. Is professional book club hostess a job?
I really liked working with the Chicago Recovery Alliance. I’m bummed that I ran out of time for it. And I had to take into account how nervous it made orion. I totally understand. I wouldn’t want him passing out needles and condoms to heroin addicts in the worst neighborhoods either. I also sort of liked working with people at the funeral home. I need to find a job where I help people, but mainly just by letting them help themselves. Does that make sense? It wouldn’t be totally crazy to go back and get a masters in social work… then I could get paid for working with addicts. Orion keeps telling me I should be a parole officer… not funny. A lot of my relatives are cops, and that is starting to make more and more sense to me. My dad would probably break my legs. ..
Speaking of broken legs, we barely made it through st. patty’s weekend alive. worst hangover ever :( It was too nuts. Saturday night I had tickets to The Cherry Orchard at Strawdog (Very neat! Go see it!) and I think that starting the night off with a depressing russian play was just the right way to go… (thats sarcasm) I did my yearly allotment of car bombs (in record time, i might add... 7 in two hours)and somehow only spent about ten bucks the whole night. It was pretty cool. In some ways it’s good to have red hair on st patrick’s day. Then again, I’ve never actually seen orion jealous before. I mean, actually jealous, not like pretend play jealous. So yeah, so much for free drinks… I think we're going to mo's on tuesday if anyone wants to come by. she's serving free corned beef and cabbage. neat!
one more thing-
Here’s a funny story: say you’re driving on roselle road, going maybe 45-50 mpr, totally sane and you get pulled over. Say you get some crazy expensive ticket because the “posted speed” is 25. Let me tell you, PAY IT. Whatever it is, whatever they want. PAY IT. Because in a matter of months you will get your license suspended, there will be a warrant out for your arrest, you will get arrested, and you car will get impounded. Don’t put it off for five or six months with big plans to contest it. Just pay the motherfucking ticket already. Or, in the words of dan savage: PTMFTA.
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