the pre-cana experience

Monday, February 25, 2008
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Sports

We did the whole pre-cana thing a few days ago. It was actually kind of a let down. i think we were both expecting some serious brawls or a least a few tears. I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot with the instructor when we all had to go around the room and introduce ourselves and ask any questions we had about pre-cana. Orion asked if anyone had ever gotten into a screaming match and broke up during the seminar. the instructor replied," I think you have the wrong idea about pre-cana."

Apparently we did, as we had spent the last month threatening each other with "I'm going to bring this up in pre-cana!!" when any disagreement arose.

We spent most of the class making jokes and taking bets on which of the other couples would divorce the fastest and over what. For instance, the couple who sat next to me presented a great deal of fodder as the bride had obviously been purchased from a South American country and spoke no English:

me: Hey, how's it going?
bride: ten mayo
me: ok. I'm grace
bride: I. am. Esta

the groom did all the talking and had obviously planned their whole wedding. i'm pretty sure he's of the homosexual persuasion as evidenced in the following exchange.

Groom: yeah, we're doing the whole "spring wedding" thing ::waves hands:: it's going to be sso beautiful. Our colors are cerulean and sea mist, and our florist is actually going to import the flowers from darfur.
Me: wow.
Groom: I know, I know, it's sso cliche, but like I always say, if you're gonna do it, overdo it!

You'd be hard-pressed to find any straight male, anywhere that has not only heard of the color "cerulean" but can use it in a sentence too. As for flowers, the other couples were considerably unimpressed by our gushing announcement that we planned to pick them in our neighborhood the morning of the wedding.

I continued to present myself in a poor light when talking about sexuality in marriage. Our book made an interesting distinction in discussing conjugal relations, they referred to it as genital sexual intercourse (I kid you not). You can only imagine the kinds of questions I asked on this topic. For instance, the book discusses our wedding night in glowing terms "finally you will be able to enjoy the chaste and holy union of genital sexual intercourse." I made the mistake of saying a little too loudly as that was read aloud, "see honey, I told you oral doesn't count!"

They also presented the wonder that is Natural Family Planning. How rational people honestly believe this works is beyond me. Believe all you want about sanctity and divinity, but human beings are biological too. NFP operates under the guise that when you know when you are fertile (i.e. ovulating) you will abstain from sex in order to keep from becoming pregnant. on paper it makes perfect sense, and it is scientific, and it would work if not for the very real fact that our bodies are biological and want to procreate and so those days that you are most fertile you body is trying desperately to fertilize that egg. to put it in simple terms, you are most horny on the days you cannot have sex. I sat through the presentation, listened to claims like "it's holy" "it will teach you and your husband to be more creative in meeting each other's needs" (this came after the chapter claiming that anything but chaste genital sexual intercourse was not condoned by the church) and "it's non-hormonal and totally safe." at the end of the presentation they opened up the floor for a little Q&A. I spoke in glowing terms about NFP, said my mother and my older sister both swore by it. Then added, as though an afterthought, that I am one of ten children all of whom my mother bore naturally. The room fell silent. Even the proctor was speechless. Grace 1, Catholicism 0.

it gets better.

Consider the section on unmarried couples who live together. did you know they're thirty times more likely to abuse their children? the women are three times more likely to be unfaithful? Instances of domestic abuse rise by fifty percent. all because you split the rent... as an aside, the instructor was unable to provide a source for these statistics and moreover they were listed in the book almost urban legend style. if that page was voice it would sound like the crypt keeper. all the other pages had crosses, flowers, angels etc but this page was a simple black and white list of words. it was so barren, like I will be, as punishment for living with my boyfriend.

Seriously though, in Jesus' time it was good to beat your wife. Domestic abuse was awesome. People sold bad children into slavery. The repercussions for living together in 33 BC would have been a positive. I love the way the church changes with the times, it's so fresh.

Then the instructor asked "what's the most important glue in any marriage?" I answered "a sense of humor" WRONG. "It is a shared faith is Christ"

This is why my mother home schooled me.

Things continued on a downward spiral in discussing the biggie: communication. I answered that laryngitis was the biggest impediment to successful communication. Orion answered "when I try to talk"

Finally, towards the end of the day, we met our soulmates in the couple sitting across from us. The, by now quite harried instructor, was discussing ways to share our love with our friends and family. Each couple had to write down how they planned to share their love with others.

I wrote "have sex in public places" and saw that they had written "host an orgy."


Currently reading:
Learning to Love You More
By Harrell Fletcher
Release date: 20 September, 2007