hell mouth

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Current mood: tested

i remember the very first lie i told my mother. i was seven. she'd hung laundry on the line in the backyard and at the end of the afternoon when most of it was covered in dirt, i looked her dead in the eye and said "tom did it." she knew tom hadn't been out, and she knew i had all my little neighborhood friends going in and out all day. she could also see that i myself was also covered in dirt.

it was then, for the first time (but definately not the last), my mother explained to me that i had the devil inside of my soul.

this was not a new developement. out of all the hussar kids i was one of the few who neither owned a shrine at any time nor wore any sort of scapulars, crucifixes, or miraculous medals. i've never prayed on my own (unless i was about to totally get my ass kicked) or voluntarily attended mass.

that said, i still consider myself a very spiritual person. i have excellant karma. i'm nice to children, animals, and jewish people. i have many close relationships, i keep holy the sabbath (out of laziness, mainly). so, here's my question: why oh why does the devil follow me? and how did my family manage to turn my fiance into a catholic in less time than it took me to convince him that it was actually easier to wash dirty laundry rather than continuously buying new clothes?

a few weeks ago, orion woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that i was growling in my sleep. i told him to mind his own business and rolled over. a few nights later i was awakened by something wet splashing across my face only to discover that orion was sprinkling holy water on me while i slept. i was only mildly irritated by these antics. then i found him reading a book MY MOTHER loaned him about how to perform an exorcism. he occationally looks me in the eye and says he sees the devil in me.

okay, back story: it is widely known that our old apartment was possessed by a demon. the people who lived above us and below us will confirm it. a lot of weird shit happened that was not made any better by my holding a drunken attempt to speak to the spirits one lonely night last summer.

the night before we moved out there were all sorts of strange crackling noises and the distinct smell of smoke. orion and i looked all around the building and even called 311 to report it. it really sounded like our apartment was on fire. the crackling continued for most of the night and it really smelled like a fire. we were so freaked out we couldn't sleep at all. moving out the next morning at 8AM was fun. we never saw smoke, or any trace of a fire, but i swear to god it was like the place was crumbling. we now refer to the old apartment as "gateway to hell" on bell.

moving out in december was also stressful. my mom was pretty sick through the holidays, and basically overall it was an insane season for us. the day after thanksgiving orion got into an accident while driving to work. (this crazy wench completely totalled our car). then, mere weeks after that, our new apartment complex caught fire (for real), rendering the west side of the building unlivable. our cat went positively insane. then, in the weeks following christmas orion got disgustingly sick and i was mysteriously covered in hives. for weeks.

is it any wonder i started to look a little crazy around the eye?

i, perhaps, do not handle stress well. it is widely known that under poor conditions i tend to do things like ingest magic mushrooms for days and show up at my friend's houses to pass out leaves. i have also been known to steal pumpkins and sunglasses. i go on cleaning binges and simply throw the majority of my belongings away. perhaps the problem is that i have largely calmed down under orion's influence. if i am a typhoon, then orion is iowa. "typhoon? what typhoon? you call that a typhoon?" he simply does not recognize my insanity or my insane moments. this is why, now that i am totally cracking under the pressure of working full time, taking four classes, and planning a wedding, that instead of saying, "there she goes again, stealing sunglasses and growling in her sleep." he is convinced we are having bad luck because i am possesed by the devil. he simply doesn't know that side of me.

i know my sister is slipping him crucifixes on the sly. and why oh why does he suddenly want to go to catholic mass. there's a very nice unitarian church mere blocks from our house that does not believe the devil even exists. i know he's replaced our regular salt with the blessed salt my mother gave him. at first, i was somewhat amused. i mean, here i am, not possesed by just any old demon, but by lucifer himself. but then a few nights ago, exhausted, when i woke up to the wispered chant of "tell me your name demon!" it really ceased being funny. after a serious talking to, orion agreed to stop calling my mouth a den of lies, doing any sort of late night exorcisms over my sleeping body, and taking any advice on my charecter from my mom. i was happy, he was happy. i removed the sacred heart of jesus medals from under the mattress.

then, last night, we're getting ready to hit the town... i'm wearing this new, perfect dress, and my new boots. walking out the door i say, "what do you think of my new outfit?" and orion smiles, in what can only be descibed as a devilish fashion, and busts out with "Devil in a Blue Dress"

i am wondering if any other families do this to their members significant others? convince an atheist that not only does the devil exist, but he exists in your fiancee.

i am wondering if any other children have been brought up to believe that satan resides in their soul, constantly tempting them to make bad choices?

mostly, i am wondering how soon is too soon to move to arizona? all this snow and hibernation has turned my day-to-day life into an extended version of Steven King's The Shining


Currently reading:
No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories
By Miranda July
Release date: 15 May, 2007