big perfect things

Saturday, August 04, 2007 Current mood: contemplative

in my dreams, i am constantly being left at the alter. the setting varies; sometimes i'm under a canopy in the woods, or on stage at an elaborate church/theater, but i am always ultimately alone and eventually pelted with hail stones and wearing the wrong dress.

it's not that i fear marriage, or that i think orion will leave me standing alone; in fact, i don't really understand this night terror thing at all: i'm excited about getting married. i've been watching a lot of bridezilla and perhaps that has something to do with it. It's funny to me that the more "platinum brides" and "my big fat fabulous wedding" i watch, the more i simplify my own impending nuptuals. flower bouquets? who needs 'em! professional photographer? ha! i feel this enormous pressure to want big perfect things but that's never been my style. my idea of the perfect reception is more kegger than cake-cutting. I want everyone drunk and happy and singing karaoke.

Also, i am consistantly amazed at how many people think this whole engagement is an elaborate ruse. is it that hard to believe people? i am getting facebook messages daily from willows girls asking "are you seriously getting married? YOU?!!" one even hinted that she previously believed i was a lesbian. it took sara stromer weeks and pictures of the ring on my finger to believe it, and she's one of my best friends.

that said, however, i am reminded of a time not so long ago, though before i was engaged, arliss and i were hung over and having brunch at golden angel. i woefully remarked that i was pretty sure my days of playing the field were over, that at least we could be thankful i went out at the top of my game. "i just can't picture you married" arliss said, "i know how that sounds, but i just can't."

"we talked about what we would name our kids," i answered, "whether or not we would move to the suburbs."

"i seriously feel fucking sick" she said, scooting out of her booth and b lining for the bathroom

Currently reading:
Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both
By Laura Sessions Stepp
Release date: 01 March, 2007