Thursday, July 24, 2008 Current mood: bullied
Dear Perspective Employer,
I am currently thirty-eight thousand dollars in debt. Not because I took some crazy vacations and bought some Jimmy Choos and not because I got in over my head with a gambling problem. No, I am nearly forty thousand dollars in debt because I went to a college prep high school that encouraged me to cultivate my love for words at an overpriced liberal college. So here I am. How does this concern you, you may ask; allow me to explain.
It is fun, fancy, and well paying jobs like yours that are attracting the attention of the thousands of my peers who have also recently graduated from overpriced private colleges with similar "liberal studies" degrees. I read in the New York Times on Sunday that the most useless degree you can graduate with in 2008 was an English degree. Gee thanks. So, here we are, the thousands of us with these fancy expensive B.A.s in subjects like "Philosophy" and "Women's Studies" and you know what? We aren't getting anywhere. My best friend with a masters in English Literature just dressed up to the nines for her interview at Borders and was rejected. From Borders.
You're probably sitting at your desk sorting through hundreds of resumes full of power words like "self-starter" and "highly motivated" maybe even "over-achiever" but no one is being honest with you; everyone is trying to cultivate this "you need me more than I need you" attitude because that is what the career counselors are advising us to do, emphasize that we are an asset to you and that hiring us will make your life so much easier, you will wonder how you ever lived without us. My counselor even suggested that I work on my "cool quotient," that is, pretend I'm back in high school and that I am very popular and you are in the chess club. Supposedly it is this "I could care less" and "I'm too cool for you" attitude that will make you unable to resist me. Supposedly.
It has has not. So I am trying to figure out what makes me different from the hundreds of other applicants whose resumes you'll peruse boredly over your lunch hour. We all have a solid B.A. We all graduated Cum Laude. We all have our "interview anecdotes" down pat. We're all tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I don't believe that I want this job any more than anyone else; we all desperately want this job no matter how cool we act.
Here is what makes me a good applicant: I know reading resumes is boring and interviewing applicants is awkward and I will try and lighten it up for you. I'm a hard worker, I have six brothers (four of whom are commodities traders downtown). I've been working since I was sixteen, I've been wholly financially and personally responsible for myself from the day I turned eighteen-- this, I believe, gives me a leg up on maturity. I don't gossip or have a myspace. I volunteer with the Chicago Recovery Alliance and have worked with the board of Chicago's Art for AIDS annual auction. I have worked every job you can possibly imagine from birthday party clown to waitress to grief counselor at a funeral home. I devote myself to every endeavor and I'm intensely loyal to all my previous employers (you are welcome to call them). Most importantly, I am honest and I am an optimist. I will not take over your office from the ground up, but I will do my job above and beyond what you expect and what you ask, and occasionally bake cookies for the break room.
If it helps, I was voted "Class Clown" and "Most Likely to Be Seen on TV" in high school and I was probably too cool for you. If not, thank you for your time.
Sincerely, Grace
Currently reading:
Water for Elephants: A Novel
By Sara Gruen
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